I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.