“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds