We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead