Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
You Might Also Like
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Butt weight. There’s more!
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
One venti cheeseburger please.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.