My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.