“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
You Might Also Like
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*