Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Hank is one in a melon.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?