Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.