*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.