My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.