In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.