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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Cause of death: Zumba
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL