A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Best table by far
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.