I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I feel seen
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Never mess with a drunken pig.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.