I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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If I ignore life will it go away?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
birds and squirrels envy us
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Time for evil
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology