After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.