KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.