1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
You Might Also Like
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.