Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
That 👊
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm