he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…