When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
When you let grandma cat sit
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
im 7 sauces long
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?