Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human