Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
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[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there