Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.