“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.