I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
S M O L
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”