Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s