“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Beware…..
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.