It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”