Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
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My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger