If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.