Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Truth
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …