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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Traveler’s camo
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
How software testing works
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but