TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.