Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.