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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill