The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You Might Also Like
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
This checks out
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale