That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
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God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Legend 🤣🤣
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.