•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?