Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
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Finished stitching this today 😇
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]