My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
A friend helps you before you need it
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
*frowns in Scottish*
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel