I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
concern
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Friends that check up on you >
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.