ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
You Might Also Like
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
These are my roll models.
I cannot call her anything else now
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
some Old Testament wisdom
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear