Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
three things we don’t talk about
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Duck typos.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?