interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
normalize having existential bread
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”