I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle