“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
oppen heimer style lol
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy