[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.