If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.