Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat